MIT DER CHRONISCHEN KRANKHEIT BEZAHLE ICH IMMER, WAS ICH HEUTE TUN

Bei chronischen Krankheiten bezahle ich immer das, was ich heute mache

Die Sache ist, dass es mir immer gut ging, wenn Dinge nicht frei waren. Ich habe immer die harte Arbeit und das sehr lohnende Gefühl geschätzt, etwas zu gewinnen, sei es ein Gehaltsscheck oder ein einfaches “Danke”. Es ist etwas so Befriedigendes an einem sprichwörtlichen Klopfen auf den Rücken für eine gut geleistete Arbeit, wie auch immer sie sein mag. Ich habe mit 14 angefangen zu arbeiten und als ich 17 Jahre alt war, hatte ich zwei Jobs. Ich habe es immer geliebt, in zwei Jobs zu arbeiten. Ich hielt meine Taschen voll, bezahlte die Rechnungen und hielt die Dinge davon ab, sich banal und langweilig zu fühlen. Es hat Spaß gemacht, einen Job für den Tag zu verlassen, die “Hüte” zu wechseln und für meinen nächsten Job eine andere Rolle zu übernehmen. Abwechslung ist das Salz des Lebens, oder?

Nichts hätte mich auf das Leben vorbereiten können, das mich erwartete. Nichts hätte mich darauf vorbereiten können, einer der “Auserwählten” zu sein, um ein Leben mit chronischen Schmerzen und Krankheiten zu führen. Ich wünschte ich hätte es gewusst. Ich hätte mehr getan. Ich hätte mehr Möglichkeiten gefunden, mich meiner Gesundheit zu erfreuen, während ich sie hatte. Ich hätte beschlossen, an meinen freien Tagen nicht zu schlafen und stattdessen mit den Vögeln aufzustehen und es zu wagen, die Morgendämmerung in zufälligen und spontanen Abenteuern zu sehen. Ich hätte nicht aufgehört zu reisen. Ich wäre in meiner Freizeit “egoistischer” gewesen, daher war jede Minute dem Tun von etwas gewidmet, das ich liebte

Nichts hätte mich auf jede Unze Energie vorbereiten können, die ich für jeden Tag verbrauche, den ich mir von jedem Tag leihe. Für die überwältigende Erschöpfung, die ich nach jeder einfachen Aufgabe erlebe, wie mich anzuziehen. (Was natürlich normalerweise nicht vorkommt, meine Pyjamas sind meine besten Freunde). Bereiten Sie ein Sandwich zu oder erhitzen Sie einfach eine Suppe. Bring die Hunde auf den Hof, obwohl ich einfach an ihrem Platz bleibe, während sie “ihren Job machen”. Eine Ladung Kleidung anziehen. Entladung der Spülmaschine. Vakuum ausführen Wirf zufällige Zutaten in einen Topf. E-Mail abrufen. Auch nur in der Badewanne sitzen.
Ich erinnere mich, dass ein langes, warmes Bad ein Luxus war, den ich nach einem langen Tag schätzte und erwartete. Jetzt? Jetzt ist es eine lästige Pflicht und ich muss mich mental auf die Energie vorbereiten, die benötigt wird, um mich auszuziehen, mich zu baden, mich zu trocknen und mich wieder anzuziehen. Und das ist ganz zu schweigen von den drei Tagen der Woche, an denen ich mir die Haare wasche. Ich liebte es, mir die Haare zu waschen … das warme Wasser um meinen Kopf, das langsam webte und wie ich Gänsehaut bekam, wenn ich jeden Strang berührte. Ich würde mit meinem ganzen Körper unter Wasser liegen, nur mit meinem Gesicht herausschauen. Manchmal blieb ich so, bis sich das Wasser abgekühlt hatte und ich die Hälfte davon abtropfen lassen musste, um mehr heißes Wasser hinzuzufügen. Es war eine Freude! Sogar dieses einfache Vergnügen wurde mir gestohlen. Jetzt sitze ich zusammengebrochen in der Wanne und stütze meine Stirn auf den Rand.

Jetzt ist die Badezeit … deprimierend. Für mich ist es eine klare Erinnerung daran, wie unterschiedlich das Leben ist. Es dient als eine Art Skala, die mein “davor” und “danach” misst. Das Leben vorher und das Leben jetzt.

Ich vermisse die Filme. Einmal, was mir am besten gefallen hat: er ist gegangen. Ich vermisse die schmutzigen, klebrigen Böden und die Art und Weise, wie meine Schuhe an verschütteten Erfrischungsgetränken kleben, als ich den Flur entlang ging. Die schrillen Sitze, die es unmöglich machen, sich wohl zu fühlen. Ich bekam eine Ohrfeige mit dem überwältigenden Geruch von Popcorn, sobald ich auf dem Parkplatz ankam. Wie ich jede Faser meiner Kleidung und Haare durchdrang und es schien stundenlang auf meiner Nase zu bleiben, nachdem ich gegangen war. Ich vermisse die lauten und nervigen Bonbonverpackungen der Menschen hinter mir. Das überbewertete Ticket. Oder einfach nur das teure Ticket bezahlen können. Ich war noch nicht in einem Film … Ich weiß nicht wie lange. Manchmal bin ich zweimal am Tag gegangen.

Ich vermisse Pediküre mit meinen Freunden. Was war einmal verwöhnen lassen und entspannt jetzt einen Countdown von Minuten worden ist, bis ich vom Stuhl aufstehen und nach Hause gehen, weil Reden wenig anstrengend sind und die Lichter mich ekelerregend fühlen. Ich vermisse es, schöne Finger zu haben.

Nichts ist kostenlos. Alles, was ich heute mache, bezahle ich morgen. Als Energiedarlehen. Alles (und ich meine alles), was Sie ungewöhnlich machen, ist ein Darlehen mit Zinsen. Ein Ausflug ins Lebensmittelgeschäft? Ja, das wird mich kosten. Ein schnelles Mittagessen draußen? Ja, ich werde dafür bezahlen. Bis die Schulden schließlich zu einem so hohen Saldo hinzukommen, dass es sich nicht mehr lohnt, sie zu leihen. Es lohnt sich einfach nicht mehr die hohen Zahlungen. Treffen Sie sich mit Freunden? Nein, es wird nicht passieren. Lebensmittel einkaufen? Jetzt mache ich es online, damit ich mein Auto nicht verlassen muss (aber vergiss nicht: Ich muss mir immer noch die Energie ausleihen, um es herunterzuladen, wenn ich nach Hause komme). Gourmetküche, die ich einmal geliebt habe? Kein Topf Ton.

Es un acto de equilibrio delicado todos los días, siempre recordando que incluso si me siento “bien” hoy, necesito gastar mi energía con cuidado porque mañana ya tiene su mano codiciosa abierta, esperando el pago. A veces elijo esforzarme deliberadamente demasiado y simplemente tratar con el Banco del Mañana cuando llegue el momento. A veces me rio de lo ridículo que es que tengo que planear con anticipación solo para descansar. ¿Qué hilarante es eso? No “jaja” gracioso, sino más bien “patético” gracioso.

Ich denke nur darüber nach, was mir an einem bestimmten Tag einfällt: Dann ist es okay … Ich muss in den Laden gehen, zum Arzt gehen, Rezepte holen, das Abendessen in den Topf werfen und dann zumindest streben. Oh Warte Wäscherei Ich denke, das muss Vorrang vor den Etagen haben. Vielleicht kann ich morgen Fußböden machen. Warte nein. Morgen muss ich mich schonen, weil ich mir heute Energie leihe, also … OK. Ich habe es! Speichern Doktor Rezepttopf aus Ton. Wäsche waschen, aber heute nicht verdoppeln. Nur im Erdgeschoss absaugen. Ja, das sollte funktionieren. Also, vielleicht kann ich morgen diese Ladung in den Trockner legen und die Reste zum Abendessen essen und den Rest des Tages ausruhen. Ja, einverstanden. Ich werde es versuchen.

Dann kommt morgen. Mir wurde schnell klar, dass ich die “Zinsen” des Kredits nicht berücksichtigte. Ich wusste, dass ich lieh Energie genommen hatte, aber vergessen, mit Kopfschmerzen, Gliederschmerzen, Müdigkeit und behindernden Schwindel zu kommen. Die Ladung im Trockner muss möglicherweise warten. “Hey”, sage ich mir, “zumindest sind die Klamotten sauber.”

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