Luto a pessoa que eu era antes da doença crônica

Sentada no final da minha cama, de repente me bate no peito como uma tonelada de tijolos. Meu lábio treme, sinto o nó na garganta e tenho que me conter antes que as lágrimas fluam. Eu estou lutando para colocar minhas meias e rapidamente me lembro que minha vida não é e nunca será como costumava ser. Levei um tempo para lamentar a perda do meu antigo eu, então ainda mais tempo para perceber que era o que eu estava fazendo. Luto.

E assim como a tristeza, não importa quanto tempo o ajude a se curar, você nunca está verdadeiramente enlutado. Eu perdi pessoas amadas ao longo dos anos, pessoas muito especiais para mim, e penso nelas todos os dias. Agora que os anos se passaram, não faz mal lembrar deles, pensar sobre eles e as lindas lembranças que eu compartilhei com eles. Ainda assim, às vezes sou pego de surpresa. Eu vou ver os doces favoritos da minha nana na loja e vou buscá-los, e então me parece um raio. Minha vovó não está mais aqui. É quando isso dói mais – quando apenas por um minúsculo segundo você esquece essa perda.

É um processo semelhante com a minha condição. Agora que eu lidei com isso por quase 10 anos, ficou mais fácil aceitar minhas limitações, mas de vez em quando eu ansiava pelo que eu tinha. Eu esqueço que tenho limitações e assim que me lembro das coisas que não posso fazer … É quando o caroço bate na minha garganta e meus olhos lacrimejam porque é uma dor muito real e crua de novo. É a primeira vez que ouve as notícias, é a mágoa e a confusão mais uma vez e é de partir o coração.

É um tipo diferente de pesar. É quase uma sensação egoísta, mas está lá e acho que a maioria das pessoas com doenças crônicas enfrenta isso. Passamos pelos estágios do luto – negação, raiva, barganha, depressão e aceitação – mas tende a ser um ciclo interminável, assim como a doença é.

Todos os estágios ocorrem em rápida sucessão: você nega sua doença, impõe-se a seu limite absoluto e então sente raiva quando luta para acompanhar os outros ou realizar tarefas simples. Em seguida, vem a barganha: se eu simplesmente ficasse mais saudável, exercitasse mais, comesse menos, meditasse mais… Mas não importa o que você faça, suas doenças não irão embora. A percepção disso traz a depressão, não se sentir bem o suficiente, sentindo-se inútil e impotente até que, finalmente e felizmente, você faz um círculo completo para a aceitação novamente. Cada vez que passo pelo ciclo, chego à aceitação mais rapidamente e dura mais tempo. Isso não quer dizer que estou feliz com minha doença, mas estou bem com isso. Faz parte de mim agora e, na maioria das vezes, eu aceito isso – da mesma forma que, enquanto sinto falta da minha avó com todo o meu coração, eu aceitei sua perda.

Quando penso na minha avó e no quanto sinto sua falta, também penso em como fiquei feliz em conhecê-la, em ter sido amada por ela e ter lembranças maravilhosas que ninguém pode tirar de mim. Quando penso em minha artrite reumatóide, tenho que ver os aspectos positivos também. Eu tenho mais do que perdi. Minha doença me mudou, mas isso não me reduziu. Isso me fez mais empático com os outros, me fortaleceu, me fez um lutador e, o mais importante, me mostrou o quanto minha família e meus amigos me amam.

Às vezes luto meu corpo velho e luto a vida normal e sem dor que poderia ter tido. Mas, na maioria das vezes, estarei lá fora aproveitando ao máximo o que tenho – que, pensando nisso, é mais do que suficiente.

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