Har du noen gang ønsket å føle hva det er å ha fibromyalgi? Ikke du? Ikke meg heller. Men jeg ble kjent med detaljene veldig bra (sikkert bedre enn jeg noensinne ville) og skulle kunne gjøre deg kjent med nok av mine erfaringer at du vil få bedre forståelse for noen i livet ditt som kan ha kronisk sykdom, smerte eller andre helseproblemer. Så pust dypt og gjør deg klar til å prøve noe nytt. En reise gjennom øynene mine, hvis du vil.
Husk den siste svært dårlig brenningen du hadde – den typen som gjør at du merker hver tomme av huden din? Det var kløende, det følte seg stramt og varmt. La deg føle deg nå – forestill deg at følsomheten er stram og den tøffe oppfatningen av enhver berøring spredt over hele huden din. Nå kan du føle sømmer på klærne dine og til og med være oppmerksom på hvor fingrene berører og brettene på huden din på albuene og knærne. Kragen på skjorten hans er tett og midjen på buksene hans er tett. ubehagelig, klaustrofobisk.
Men berøring er ikke den eneste følelsen som er økt. Lydene begynner å bli høyere enn de virker helt nødvendige, og ofte ubehagelige. Når du kjører, kan lysene se veldig lyse ut og noen ganger skinne uventet. Du må kjøre mye mer omhyggelig om natten – forlyktene ser plutselig ut til deg noen ganger. Luktene er for sterke, og dufter som en gang var hyggelige, eller matvarer som du finner velsmakende eller rett og slett likegyldige, er nå flekkete og noen ganger helt uventede, er kvalmende.
Har du noen gang hatt influensa? Den ubehagelige årstypiske typen som gjør deg så sår at selv etter å ha tatt fire Motrin, kan du fortsatt føle hele skjelettet ditt? Hvis du har en nyttig referanse. Hvis ikke, vær glad og fortsett å få influensa skudd! Tenk deg å våkne med den smertefulle følelsen en dag, det er bare skremmende verre enn vanlig. Du stønner for deg selv, tenk, “Vel, influensavaksinen fungerte ikke,” og sukket og håpet at hun ville forsvinne etter en uke, som forrige gang. Bare etter to uker, tre, begynner du å bekymre deg. Og så blir det verre. Det begynner å forlate dine lemmer tungt, slitent. I likhet med følelsen av å gå i sanden, kan du glemme noen dager at du ikke har den energien du brukte og overdriver ting, bare å betale energi gjeld for to eller tre dager i sengen. I disse dager, og noen tilfeldige dager, uten forutse grunner, unntatt skjebnes grusomme sans for humor, kan du bare våkne med energien for å komme seg ut av sengen, kle på seg og spise.
Partneren av kronisk tretthet og smerte er noe som kalles “hjernefeil”, som virker dumt. Det er det ikke. Det kan få deg til å føle deg dum og flau, og prøv å gjemme det og le som ingenting. Men nøklene dine kan ende opp i fryseren, melk kan komme inn i skapet, og du finner deg selv i et tilfeldig rom i huset ditt som stirrer på veggen og lurer på, “Hva skal jeg gjøre nå?” Fire ganger om dagen. Shopping er en vits, selv om det er mye mer … lunefull nå. Du berører alle stoffene i klærne for å se om de er myke nok og fortelle din kone, “Oooh, føl deg dette håndkleet!”. Ikke bekymre deg, de blir vant til det. Min mann må minne meg om hva jeg lette etter når jeg blir distrahert av de vakre klistremerkene eller håndklær … Et mål er et farlig sted.
Men tro det eller ikke, alt dette – helt til slutt – blekner i forhold til smerten. Han vil bli din beste venn, din nye konstante følgesvenn. Noen dager er det tålelig, og bare gjør alt litt lysere og øynene er litt strammere. Dette gjør humøret ditt raskt, men du har god kontroll over ting (bare spør ikke mannen din hva han mener). Andre dager, vel … de dagene når vi ikke liker å tenke for mye. Noen av dem vil bli brukt på jakt etter forstyrrelser som bøker og filmer. Du kjenner nok kinoene med komfortable seter, fordi de som er ubehagelige er de du ikke kan gå lenger. På andre dager, de dårlige, kan du late som det ikke eksisterer.
Jeg vet at jeg malte et veldig mørkt bilde her, og en som du kanskje eller kanskje ikke tror er overdrevet. Enten du gjør det eller ikke, har det sannsynligvis mye å gjøre med om du har hatt erfaring med kronisk smerte eller noen som har. Men jeg forteller deg noe annet du kan tro eller ikke, og det er det jeg takker for min fibro. Han lærte meg mer om meg og om livet enn noe jeg noensinne har opplevd.
Jeg visste aldri hvor mykt Yorkies hår var før, eller hvor nydelig lukten av regn ville være etter tåken. Jeg kunne ikke også nyte regnmusikken på taket da jeg lukket øynene etter en lang dag. Det er en balanse å finne i smerte, for meg når jeg søker.
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