In de loop der jaren zijn mijn vrienden en familie gestopt met vragen hoe ik ben. Dit komt omdat elke keer het antwoord onveranderlijk “moe” is.
Ik bedoel, waarom lieg je erover? Er is geen manier om te voorkomen dat ik er moe uitzie. De tassen onder mijn ogen hebben tassen. Ik loop als een vrouw die tot de galg is veroordeeld en ik wacht op iemand die mijn 67-jarige moeder vraagt of ik haar moeder ben.
Natuurlijk, als je een vreemdeling bent, of het meisje bij het uitchecken en je vraagt me hoe ik ben, zal ik nog steeds antwoorden met de verplichting: “Het gaat goed”, terwijl ik eigenlijk wil zeggen: “Zijn zit je comfortabel? Dan zal ik beginnen. Het begon allemaal in de zomer van … “voordat ik ze een uitgebreid verhaal over mijn pijn en lijden gaf. Maar ik niet.
Het antwoord “ik ook” is soms moeilijk te nemen en zorgt ervoor dat iemand zich erg gehaast voelt. Niet dat ik een monopolie heb op vermoeidheid, maar tenzij de andere persoon ook lijdt aan chronische vermoeidheid, is het moeilijk voor mij om die twee gelijk te stellen.
Dus, hoe ga ik je beschrijven hoe mijn vermoeidheid verschilt van je vermoeidheid, wanneer ik het nauwelijks kan beschrijven? Hoe laat ik ze zien dat het niet alleen een elegante naam is om extreem moe te zijn? Dat het aanzetten op de laptop, het oppikken van de telefoon of gewoon lezen, is een vermoeiende ervaring op zich?
Het lijkt vreemd om slopende vermoeidheid te noemen, maar dat is chronische vermoeidheid. Het maakt je zwak en niet in staat om de meeste taken uit te voeren. Zelfs die laatste paragraaf duurde meer dan 45 minuten om te schrijven omdat ik een paar keer moest rusten tussen schrijven. Het verduistert je geest en weegt je zodat je niet één voet voor de ander kunt zetten of je armen kunt opheffen. Soms voelt het zo onderdrukkend dat het lijkt alsof je hele lichaam in de grond zakt. Alles wat je doet voelt alsof je het doet terwijl je in een paar centimeter modder spettert, of alsof je altijd tegen de stroom in zwom …
Je kunt ze vragen zich 24 uur per dag, zeven dagen per week, 365 dagen per jaar voor de griezel te stellen. Hoewel voor sommigen de symptomen verschijnen en verdwijnen. Of hen vertellen dat zelfs als ik erin geslaagd was om 10 uur te slapen, ik me waarschijnlijk nog erger voelde dan voordat ik ging slapen. En spierpijn, keelpijn, hoofdpijn, zwelling en stijve gewrichten, chronische hoest en misselijkheid? Hoe zit het met de psychische en fysieke symptomen? Hoe zit het met de impact die het heeft op vriendschappen en relaties? Hoe leg ik dit allemaal uit aan iemand die denkt dat ik moe ben?
Het feit is dat ik dat niet doe. Het is veel gemakkelijker om te zeggen dat het goed gaat met mij, en dat doe ik ook. Zoals veel mensen met een chronische ziekte, schilderen we onze glimlach en laten we de wereld denken dat alles zon en lolly is, en ondertussen lijden we in stilte.
Ik probeer niet degenen die zeggen dat ze moe zijn, te verlagen. Of je nu gestresst bent, overwerkt, zwanger bent of rent na een handvol “vrucht van de baarmoeder”, vermoeidheid kan een schadelijk effect hebben op iedereen. Ik ben moe van mensen die aannemen dat ‘mijn vermoeidheid’ een overdreven overdrijving is, of iets dat gemakkelijk kan worden verholpen door ‘s nachts goed te rusten. Maar zou het niet geweldig zijn als ik kon?
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