Fibromyalgia is slowly killing me. Take parts of me, my strength, my pride and my soul.
The diagnosis of fibromyalgia is the death sentence, for what was once a normal life. I have lived with this for seven years, and I still have not finished what I had planned, I should, right now be preparing to study a year abroad.
I should speak fluently in another language. I should have a hangover every Sunday after spending a night out with friends. Instead, I lie in bed, all day, every day. Or I stay on the couch. I go to someone else’s house and lie on his bed or on his couch. Fibromyalgia is an archenemy, jealous.
He is always there trying to defeat me. It’s like the villain in an old silent movie. Instead of the audience knowing that the villain is there and the protagonist does not realize, in this case, only I can see it and my audience is blind.
It is as if my physical and emotional strength was made up of small chips. Each setback takes one away from me. I do not know how long it will be until everything in me collapses.
Fibromyalgia has removed the foundations. The foundations that I built for more than twenty years, living my life. I feel like a game of Jenga , every time fibromyalgia hits me , I go one step closer to falling to the ground.
Maybe I’ve already crashed and hit. Maybe I’m in the background. If I did not know what this condition is like, I would say that it is probably there. This is the lowest I think it could be. I could experience the worst pain I have ever had, and my fibromyalgia treats it as a challenge because I know the next time it will be worse.
Some outbreaks are better than others, but they test my physical and emotional strength, more than I could have imagined previously. Fibromyalgia is not an imaginary excuse. I would never have chosen this life for myself, and if I had the option to get rid of the demon that sustains me, I would do it without hesitation. This is my life.
This is real. This is me, is and will be with me at every moment of the day, for the rest of my life. The devil whispered yesterday in my ear “You are not strong enough to endure the storm” Today I whispered in the ear of the devil “I am the storm” I am a warrior of fibromyalgia.jessica stredd pudicombe
Also, there are nights like this, where I feel lost. Lost in emotion, in thoughts, in pain and in what is to come. We fully understand the ups and downs of our emotions, happy a minute, then angry, then sad, then nervous, then etc., etc. It is a roller coaster of ups and downs.
Add other chronic diseases and it’s hell! Man, woman, the burden of chronic illness brings down our world. Sometimes we feel that things are under control. We have reached an agreement with our reality, we know that things will never be what they were, and we adapt and learn to live with what our life has become.
But sometimes, sometimes, the reality of what is coming opens up and overcomes our life. We know that our life, as we knew it, will never be the same. The life that we once enjoyed has been destroyed by this evil force that dictates what we do, and what we can not do. There are good days and bad days, highs, lows, highs and lows.
We used to look and plan for the future, or live in the present with those we love. Now, what does it consist of? In nothing! The plans we made with friends, well, maybe it’s another time. The party with our family, well, go and give my regards.
Making plans is like any game at the fair, it is unpredictable. We want more than anything to be part of all the plans that have been made, but we can not guarantee anything. We really want to be part of what our families do, we want to be able to make plans and follow them. We want to work, we want to leave, we want to be part of the world in which we were once involved. Sometimes we have to say no, take a step back, and respect what our bodies tell us.
We can say, no, not today. Other times we will say yes, we will continue with the plans, we try to be part of life, for once, at least we can pretend and say it was fun, it was great to leave. But tomorrow happens. Our bodies say you were thinking ?!
The life that we once knew is so different from what we thought it would be. We really strive to maintain a certain appearance of what we think things could be. But nobody, nobody is prepared for this life that we are living. We will continue trying to keep the plans we have made, but, please, do not get angry or judge us, if they change.
We struggle to maintain a “normal” life, which has been taken from us. What we have left? From now on, all we can do is be positive, humble, and above all, be patient with ourselves. Take some time for us, take time to mourn with us, take some time to reflect, take some time to learn with us, what is our new normality. And, above all, take a minute to focus on ourselves, what works for us and what makes us happy. Learn to live this new existence, learn to appreciate what we can still live and love every day. Take it one day at a time, live day to day, hour by hour or minute by minute.