Hoy está siendo el día más duro después de empezar a convivir con la Fibromialgia y eso que he teñido días de esos que son para olvidar. Me duele todo, y cuando digo todo es que quiero decir todo.
Ayer fue un día duro de acontecimientos, demasiada tensión, demasiada dosis de realidad sin venda en los ojos, demasiadas aclaraciones a alguien que se las merecía mucho antes y que yo pensaba le estaban dando de forma sincera y clara.
Hoy, hoy es el día después de tanta emoción negativa, de tanto estallido, de ver que tu mundo se desmoronó y no hay solución posible, de ver que todo era una farsa que creabas ante tus ojos porque la realidad, en ese momento, era muy dolorosa; pero debe ser que ahora mi cuerpo, mi mente y mis sentimientos están preparados para ver y afrontar la realidad.
No sé por dónde empezar, cómo explicarle a alguien que no siente el dolor que los fibromiálgicos sentimos qué es lo que ocurre en nuestro cuerpo cuando la apisonadora decide pasar por encima de él y se empeña en demoler hasta el último rincón recóndito de tu cuerpo y mente.
Pues lo voy a intentar. Me levanté después de haber dormido poco la noche anterior. No había descansado mucho gracias al día de ayer, aunque no es del todo cierto, no había descansado mucho como casi todas las noches. Me costó ponerme en pie y permanecer erguida hasta llegar a la planta baja dónde está la cocina.
Realmente ya bajas sería y sin ninguna gana de hablar, reír, explicar ni nada; sólo quieres desayunar, tomarte la medicación y acostarte en el sillón para que los Dolores vayan pasando. El problema que hay con esto es la convivencia, porque entonces te preguntan qué cómo estás y claro, tú no quieres responder lo de siempre, entonces dices algo así como “cansada y algo dolorida”, pero ya está montado el problema, ya se ha generado porque tu expresión, tu cara, tus gestos, tú falta de atención no concuerdan con la respuesta que has dado y entonces se empieza a crear un clima poco agradable en la mesa.
Cuando termina esa prueba de fuego, te levantas a duras penas, y te tomas la medicación, a ver si ayuda en algo. Vuelves a subir y te quitas el pijama para refrescarte, bajas y te acuestas en el sillón a ver si las cosas van pasando. En ese momento me duelen los pies, las piernas, cintura y espalda. Los ojos empiezan a quemar y te sientes muy incómoda. El caso es que no sólo te sientes incómoda por lo que te duele, te sientes incómoda porque hoy tenías aquarunning y no puedes ir, porque te hubiera gustado hacer cosas y no puedes hacer nada; te ves sometida a estar en el sillón de siempre sin poder salir ni si quiera a tomar el aire a la terraza.
Mi hija de cuatro años se empeña en acostarse conmigo en el sillón, por lo que yo, al poco tiempo, ya me empiezo a sentir incómoda por sus movimientos y porque quiere jugar conmigo. Qué más quisiera hoy!!!! Pero es que ni entiendo lo que me dices, la tele encendida, Pablillo pidiéndole el turno de la tela, ella hablándome; es demasiado para mí, mi mente no está nada lúcida, mis capacidades están a menos del 20% y yo empiezo a desesperarme, a sentirme inútil, a sentir que no valgo para nada, a entender que no le doy nada positivo a nadie y que tengo lo que me merezco.
Entonces, antes de ponerme de mal humor abajo, decido subir a acostarme en mi habitación, hasta donde me persigue mi hija y don de encuentro a mi marido vistiéndose. Entonces me pregunta que como sigo y que si me voy a acostar allí. Le explico cómo estoy, al margen de que ya los Dolores son tan insoportables que salta a la vista y le digo que sí, que me acuesto en la habitación a intentar descansar. Es entonces cuando alucino más de lo que pensé que iba a alucinar jamás, mi marido me pide que le explique qué es lo que había pedido la enana de regalo de reyes para salir a comprárselo.
Mi cara debió mostrar lo que realmente sentí en ese momento, furia, frustración, desolación; le pregunté que si me iba a dejar así y con los niños en casa. Su respuesta fue más clarificadora que su actitud durante todos estos años. Sí, pensaba aprovechar el tiempo, los niños no te van a molestar y los perros menos. Los niños no te van a molestar; mi hija de cuatro años no me va a molestar, pero sí que no entiende cómo me siento, está ahora mismo dando vueltas en la cama donde yo estoy acostada y hasta su movimiento me causa un dolor absolutamente indescriptible.
Porque no es que la niña me moleste, es que es una niña y no se le puede pedir que no quiera enseñarme cómo hace la voltereta en la cama y que me haga desplazar sin querer o me de un golpe o simplemente el movimiento del colchón haga que mi cuerpo se estremezca en un dolor incisivo del que me cueste mucho recuperarme.
Me sentí sola, abandonada, pero luego lo entendí rápidamente; no es abandono, es simplemente incomprensión. Él que alucinaba cuando le contaba que mi primer marido me dejaba con una crisis y se iba de viaje dejándole los niños a sus padres, ahora no ent
Fibromialgia, olvidé las palabras que iba a decir, olvidé lo que iba a hacer, olvidé a dónde iba … Para aquellos que no entienden la fibromialgia
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