CON LA MALATTIA CRONICA, IO PAGHERO SEMPRE COSA FACCIO OGGI

Con la malattia cronica pagherò sempre quello che faccio oggi

Il fatto è che sono sempre stato d’accordo con le cose non essendo libere. Ho sempre apprezzato il duro lavoro e la sensazione molto gratificante per vincere qualcosa, o uno stipendio o un semplice “grazie”. C’è qualcosa di così soddisfacente su una pacca proverbiale sulla schiena per un lavoro ben fatto, qualsiasi cosa. Ho iniziato a lavorare all’età di 14 anni e quando avevo 17 anni ho avuto due lavori. Mi è sempre piaciuto lavorare in due posti di lavoro. Tenevo le mie tasche piene, le bollette pagate e impedivano che le cose mi sembrassero banali e noiose. È stato divertente lasciare un lavoro per il giorno, cambiare i “cappelli” e passare a un altro ruolo per il mio prossimo lavoro. La varietà è il sale della vita, giusto?

Niente avrebbe potuto prepararmi per la vita che mi aspettava. Niente avrebbe potuto prepararmi ad essere uno degli “eletti” per vivere una vita di dolore e malattia cronici. Vorrei averlo saputo. Avrei fatto di più Avrei trovato più modi per godermi la buona salute mentre ce l’avevo. Avrei preferito non dormire nei miei giorni liberi e, invece, alzarmi con gli uccelli e avventurarmi a vedere l’alba in avventure casuali e spontanee. Non avrei smesso di viaggiare. Sarei stato più “egoista” con il mio tempo libero, quindi ogni minuto era dedicato a fare qualcosa che amavo

Niente avrebbe potuto prepararmi per ogni grammo di energia che uso per ogni giorno che prendo in prestito ogni giorno. Per la travolgente stanchezza che provo dopo ogni semplice compito, come vestirmi. (Che, certamente, di solito non accade, i miei pigiami sono i miei migliori amici). Preparare un panino o anche semplicemente scaldare una zuppa. Porta i cani nel cortile, anche se rimango al loro posto mentre “fanno il loro lavoro”. Mettendo un carico di vestiti. Scarico della lavastoviglie Esecuzione del vuoto Lancia gli ingredienti casuali in un crockpot. Controllo della posta. Anche solo seduto nella vasca da bagno.
Ricordo che fare un lungo bagno caldo era un lusso, qualcosa che avevo apprezzato e che mi aspettavo dopo una lunga giornata. Ora? Ora è un lavoro ingrato e devo prepararmi mentalmente per l’energia che ci vorrà per spogliarmi, lavarmi, asciugarmi e vestirmi di nuovo. E questo per non parlare dei tre giorni della settimana in cui mi lavo i capelli. Mi piaceva lavare i capelli … l’acqua tiepida intorno alla mia testa, tessere lentamente, e come ho avuto la pelle d’oca quando ho toccato ogni ciocca. Mentirei con tutto il mio corpo sott’acqua, solo con la mia faccia che spunta fuori. A volte, sono rimasto così finché l’acqua non si è raffreddata e ho dovuto drenarne metà solo per aggiungere altra acqua calda. E ‘stata una delizia! Anche quel semplice piacere mi è stato rubato. Ora, mi siedo nella vasca, crollato, la fronte appoggiata sul bordo,

Ora, il bagno è … deprimente. Per me, è un chiaro promemoria di quanto sia diversa la vita. Serve come una sorta di scala che misura il mio “prima di questo” e “dopo questo”. Vita prima e vita ora.

Mi mancano i film. Una volta quello che mi è piaciuto di più: se ne andò. Mi mancano i pavimenti sporchi e appiccicosi e il modo in cui le mie scarpe si attaccano alle bibite versate mentre camminavo lungo il corridoio. I sedili acuti che rendono impossibile sentirsi a proprio agio. Ho ricevuto uno schiaffo in faccia con l’odore travolgente di popcorn appena sono arrivato al parcheggio. Come ho permeato ogni fibra dei miei vestiti e dei miei capelli e sembrava rimanere sul mio naso per ore dopo che me ne sono andato. Mi mancano le caramelle rumorose e fastidiose delle persone dietro di me. Il biglietto sopravvalutato. O anche solo essere in grado di pagare il biglietto costoso. Non sono stato a un film in … Non so quanto tempo. A volte andavo due volte al giorno.

Mi mancano i pedicure con i miei amici. Quello che prima era coccole e rilassante ora si è trasformato in un conto alla rovescia dei minuti fino a quando non posso alzarmi dalla sedia e andare a casa perché parlare un po ‘è estenuante e le luci mi fanno sentire nauseato. Mi manca avere belle dita.

Niente è gratis. Tutto quello che faccio oggi è qualcosa che pago per domani. Come un prestito di energia. Qualsiasi cosa (e intendo qualsiasi cosa) che fai fuori dall’ordinario è un prestito con interessi. Un viaggio al negozio di alimentari? Sì, mi costerà. Un pranzo veloce fuori? Sì, ho intenzione di pagarlo. Finché il debito non viene aggiunto a un saldo così elevato da non meritare più il prestito. Semplicemente non vale più i pagamenti elevati. Incontro con gli amici? No, non succederà. Fare la spesa? Ora lo faccio online, quindi non devo lasciare la mia macchina (ma non dimenticare: devo ancora prendere in prestito l’energia per scaricarla quando torno a casa). Cucina gourmet che un tempo ho amato? Nessun vaso di argilla.

È un atto di delicato equilibrio ogni giorno, ricordando sempre che anche se oggi mi sento “bene”, ho bisogno di spendere le mie energie con cura perché domani ha già la sua mano avida aperta, in attesa di pagamento. A volte scelgo deliberatamente di impegnarmi troppo e di occuparmi solo della Bank of Tomorrow quando arriverà il momento. A volte ridono di quanto sia ridicolo dover pianificare in anticipo per riposare. Quanto è esilarante? Non divertente “haha”, ma piuttosto “patetico” divertente.

Penso solo a quello che mi viene in mente in un dato giorno: va tutto bene, allora … Devo andare al negozio, vedere il dottore, prendere le ricette, gettare la cena nel crockpot e poi, almeno, aspirare. Oh. Aspetta. Lavanderia. Immagino che abbia la priorità sui piani. Forse posso fare i piani domani. Aspetta no Dovrò prendere le cose domani domani perché prendo in prestito energia per oggi, quindi … OK. Ce l’ho! Store. Dottore. Prescrizioni Pot of clay. Lavanderia, ma non raddoppiare oggi. Aspirare solo al piano terra. Sì. Dovrebbe funzionare. Quindi, forse, domani posso piegare quel carico nell’asciugatrice e possiamo mangiare gli avanzi per cena e riposare per il resto della giornata. Sì. CONCORDATO. Ci proverò per questo.

Poi viene domani. Mi sono subito reso conto che non consideravo “l’interesse” del prestito. Sapevo di aver preso in prestito energia, ma dimenticavo che sarei venuto con un mal di testa, dolori fisici, stanchezza e vertigini debilitanti. Quel carico nell’essiccatore potrebbe dover aspettare. “Ehi”, dico a me stesso, “almeno i vestiti sono puliti”.

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